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5 Tips for Dealing With Hostile People
One of the first things I had to give up when I went vegan was my naive belief in the inherent goodness of people. Back then, I thought: “If people knew the truth about what we’re doing to animals, they would be horrified and change their diets immediately!” Unfortunately, this was just wishful thinking.
I’ve had to face the cold, hard reality that many people will simply never care. And not only that, but they will be openly hostile towards anyone who does care. There are thousands of examples of such aggression online: from troll-like comments such as “I Love Bacon” left on serious discussions about animal abuse; to ranting, inaccurate blog posts (and unfortunately sometimes even mainstream articles) attacking veganism.
Recently, someone wrote me asking how I cope with these “haters.” I don’t pretend to have any magic answers, and admit I constantly struggle with this issue myself. But I thought I’d share some tips that I’ve personally been trying to adopt lately when communicating with openly hostile people.
1. Stay Calm. I think the most important thing we can do when responding to hateful or ignorant people is to remain calm. The importance of keeping tabs on our emotions is illustrated by this true story recounted in The Animal Activist’s Handbook:
“Matt [co-founder of Vegan Outreach] was once tabling in a crowded lobby at a large agricultural university when a dairy farmer stopped by and started yelling. Matt calmly responded to the farmer, catching the attention of a passing Joe Espinosa. Joe listened, was impressed, subsequently joined Vegan Outreach, became a vegetarian then vegan, convinced a number of friends and family to become vegetarian, and has been a leading leafletter and activist for Vegan Outreach ever since. Can you imagine if Matt had instead yelled at the dairy farmer and reacted defensively? Perhaps Joe wouldn’t have even stopped. Perhaps he wouldn’t have heard Matt’s argument. As of this writing, Joe’s handed booklets to more than 145,000 individuals. Think about the impact of this one instance of behaving respectfully in the face of disrespect: so many people have learned the truth of modern agribusiness. One instance of respect has made a tremendous difference in the world.”
Our goal should be to educate, persuade, and to appeal –not necessarily to the irrational person who has made the offending remark — but rather to anyone who may be quietly reading or listening on the sidelines. If given the choice between a ranting, angry person and a calm, reasonable-sounding person, most people will sympathize with the latter, even if they don’t immediately share the same views. Knowing this gives me incentive to try my best to remain as calm and rational as possible. I don’t always succeed, but I keep trying.
2. Use Language That Is Inclusive and Personal, Not Accusatory. The other thing I’ve been working on lately is framing my remarks in terms of “We” instead of “You.” If I write: “When you buy dairy products, you are contributing to animal cruelty,” the person reading is likely to get defensive and shut me out. But if I use the pronoun “we” or even the more generalized noun “people” instead, the reader is less likely to feel threatened and therefore, may be more open to hearing what I have to say. The same is true for using the pronouns “I” and “Me” instead of “You.” Instead of saying, “You care about animals, so you should go vegan.” I believe it’s more effective to say, “I care about animals, so I decided to go vegan.” These are very simple changes we can make in how we communicate. And I think they really work.
3. Find Common Ground. Here’s an example to consider: let’s say someone is claiming that vegans are threatening to take away their “personal freedoms” and right to choose to eat what they want. We can use that point to establish common ground. We might say, “I know what you mean. It was actually thinking about individual liberties that inspired me to consider the plight of farmed animals. I don’t think it’s right to infringe upon someone else’s freedoms just for the sake of my own pleasure. Sure, I support people’s right to choose, but just so long as those choices don’t harm others.” By establishing common ground, we demonstrate that we are more alike than we are different, and that can go a long way towards breaking down negative stereotypes and fear.
4. Plant a seed then walk away.Sometimes, the best reaction is no reaction. Not every nasty comment or inaccurate blog post warrants our response. But when we do decide to participate, it’s best to get in and out as cleanly as possible. I think of it as planting a seed, then walking away. I used to get overly invested in endless online debates. Then I figured that’s probably not the wisest use of my time. Instead, I can choose to simply plant whatever seed I think needs to grow, then walk away. I don’t need to go back and check on it constantly — I trust that it will take root. If not right then and there, then someday, somewhere.
Now, occasionally, we may want to stick around for a more lengthy discussion if it’s fruitful and progress is being made, and that’s great. But it’s important to know when to call it quits. Sometimes, the person who “wins” the argument is the one who is wise enough to walk away. We don’t have to have the last word. And we don’t have to respond to every single point and counter-point being made – no matter how absurd they may be. There are so many people out there voicing ridiculous misconceptions about veganism, that if we tried to counter them all, we’d have no time for anything else.
Besides, I think our energy is better spent being proactive rather than reactive. So maybe instead of worrying about what someone is writing on this or that blog, we should go start our own blog instead. And if someone is really being out of line – harassing us on facebook or twitter, etc., well, that’s what the “Delete and Block” feature is for.
5. Take Strength From History. And finally, it helps me to remember that other justice movements were also plagued by selfish, prejudiced, hostile and ignorant people. In fact, if it weren’t for such people, would there even be a need for justice movements? Think of what the American anti-slavery activists were put through. Not only were they pelted with insults and treated as social outcasts, many were also physically harmed. Some had their homes, businesses and schools burned down. Others were chased through the streetsby bigoted mobs. Many were even killed.
Remembering what the abolitionists of the past endured helps me put that “I Love Bacon” comment some guy just wrote on my facebook wall into proper perspective. And I hope it helps you, too.
There are many reasons to choose a vegan lifestyle. Here are two uplifting videos to help everyone understand why so many people are making this life-altering choice: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fKr4HZ7ukSE and http://www.veganvideo.org
I really enjoy your blog. Your posts are always intelligent, inspiring, thoughtful, insightful and eloquent, and this one is certainly no exception. What a wonderful voice for the voiceless you are!
Thank you Laloofah! What a very kind compliment…
and, we can choose to spend time watering rocks or watering seeds
Great point, Robyn!
Great suggestions Jo! And I’m inclined to think that the more we engage in conversations the easier it is to follow all that good advice. Practice makes better… Maybe this is why in the beginning most of us are frustrated because we think everyone will change once they know the truth. Experience tells us that’s not so. Then we learn to deal with the disappointment and move on to find someone who does have the potential to care and act accordingly. Experience is a great teacher!Also, in knowing what to expect – We develop better tools in knowing how to cope with this or that unpleasant situation. In each interaction we sort of “train” ourselves to improve in our communication skills. Maybe this isn’t too far off topic – But I found the motivational speaker and vegan advocate Pamela Ziemann to be quite helpful in refining ways to get our message across: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HkMTGYLBf-c&feature=mfu_in_order&list=ULAnd one final thought when I deal with hostile people I try (as I can) to remember that they are indoctrinated with thousands of years of cultural normalizations… For now, the very idea of forgoing human “privileges” of animal use seems combative. BUT – If I can show how they have been used, duped, conned, manipulated, cheated as well – It gives “us” both a common enemy. There’s nothing in the animal industries that makes anyone think they are the good guys. Work on disclosing the misdeeds and corruption of the industries – and sometimes the hostility shifts appropriately: “Don’t shoot the messenger!”
Sharing. Thanks, Jo.
Thanks for chiming in with such helpful advice, Bea! I have learned so much from you. I can’t wait to go watch that video — thanks for sharing!
Thoughtful and well written Jo. My experiences conducting tabling campaigns over the years has brought me to those same conclusions.
Thanks for this! I have been vegan for about 7 months now and the hardest part has been dealing with other people. I also thought if I explained why I went vegan people would understand and want to do the same. I feel attacked all the time. People are constantly approaching me with their new reasons why being vegan doesn’t make sense or how there is no such thing as vegan because manure grows my vegetables and even if my shoes are not leather there is animal by product in the glue holding them together. I feel defeated at times. I am a quiet person and I am constantly out of my comfort zone defending myself for caring about animals. I hope that I have the strength to be articulate and influential when I respond to people’s questions. This helped.
You make some very good points, Jo. I especially like #2, I had never heard that one before.
Thank you Jo! than was very well said.
@Beavegan – congratulations on going vegan!! The first few months can be the most difficult…but take comfort in knowing that it DOES get easier. Thank you for reading & commenting…I’m so glad you found this post helpful – that made my day.
@E. Miranda Hernandez – yes, tip #2 has been the easiest for me to adopt (although I still have to proofread my comments and sometimes I forget!). In my opinion, it’s the simplest, and yet one of the most effective things we can do when speaking with others.
Thanks for this helpful advice!I used to get ticked when I got the “I love bacon” or “I like my steak rare!” comments on my page. They don’t come often, thankfully, but they do happen on occasion. I’ve come to realize that those people are simply passive aggressive, and have little interest in nor capacity for thoughtful discussion…. so I delete such comments and carry on as if they were never posted. This really is the best way to handle it, I’ve found. I don’t waste my time acknowledging that behavior.
Jo, this is a very well stated article and a topic I struggle with myself. I have several friends who honestly seem to get angry with me when I mention anything related to being vegan. These are people who will go out of their way to save a chipmunk or wild bird, love their dogs and cats, but honestly think it is okay to eat a cow or pig. They rationalize it in so many ways such as they are bred for eating, are not domesticated, etc. When I point out that the chipmunk or bird they are telling me about is not domesticated they get angry. (won’t even go into what happens when I say yes cows and pigs ARE domesticated… how else could we raise them in barns for slaughter?) What to do there? I don’t know how people can differentiate one animal from another. That is my standard line… what’s the difference? Dog, cat, chipmunk, pig, cow. All living beings what is the difference? Why do you care so much about a hurt sparrow and then go turn the chicken on the grill?
Jo, this is a very well stated article and a topic I struggle with myself. I have several friends who honestly seem to get angry with me when I mention anything related to being vegan. These are people who will go out of their way to save a chipmunk or wild bird, love their dogs and cats, but honestly think it is okay to eat a cow or pig. They rationalize it in so many ways such as they are bred for eating, are not domesticated, etc. When I point out that the chipmunk or bird they are telling me about is not domesticated they get angry. (won’t even go into what happens when I say yes cows and pigs ARE domesticated… how else could we raise them in barns for slaughter?) What to do there? I don’t know how people can differentiate one animal from another. That is my standard line… what’s the difference? Dog, cat, chipmunk, pig, cow. All living beings what is the difference? Why do you care so much about a hurt sparrow and then go turn the chicken on the grill?